...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize