Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
