If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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