Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
