i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Text me some of your sweat
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
