everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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