If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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