Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
