I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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