Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Floor bacon is actually really good
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
