Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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