WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
