Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
