once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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