last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Randomize
