I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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