She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
