it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
