last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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