He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
