i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
