I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Randomize
