theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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