I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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