whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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