I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
