I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
