I'm so fucking centered right now
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
