i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
