I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
