Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
