I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
