I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
