If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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