Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I forget how to act sober
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
