What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
