as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
