you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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