The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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