Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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