Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
