Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
