Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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