Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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