This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
