When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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