I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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