Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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