Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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