This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
