sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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