I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
