that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize