drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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