It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I deserve to be covered in dicks
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
