i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
