Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
our cab driver is having phone sex.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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