It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Randomize
