Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
