He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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