There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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