I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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