I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I believe in your delicious
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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