My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
