I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
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