did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Randomize
