oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
