I haven't been this sober since birth.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
