I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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